How to Work Together

#startup #communication
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=30a5yFBd7Fo

Four things to avoid when fighting

We all fight for these things. The table shows mapping from family reasons to startup reasons.

• Money => Fundraising
• Kids => Customers / Employees
• Sex => Performance
• Time => Roadmap
• Jealousy => Competition
• In-Laws => Partnerships

There are 4 most major things that we want to avoid:

• Criticism – the fact that we don't fight on one topic but keep adding other.
• Contempt – you want to avoid making things personal.
• Defensiveness
• Stonewalling – person won't engage or talk to you.

Planning for disagreements

You should have a plan before facing those 4 horsemen.

Divide & Conquer

Once you delegated the responsibilities, determine the success and failure metrics.
Usually CEO has final say. Board has real final say.

Know thyself

What is your attachment style?
There are 3 types of attachment:

• Secure, I don't mind being vulnerable, I don't mind others being vulnerable with me
• Anxious
• Avoidant

You need to know the cofounder's attachment style.

Document a process

While you are emotionally sober, create a process for dealing with disagreements. You have to agree ahead of time.

Non-violent communication

There is a formula how to communicate:

When [observation] I feel [emotion] because I'm needing some [universal needs]. Would you be able to [request]?

You need to start your disagreement with anchoring the concrete observation.
You need to use "feel", not "think". The tricky emotions are: anger, evaluative emotions. You need to fine the real reason.

• "I feel blamed" -> "I feel scared".
• "I feel judged" -> "I feel resentful".
• "I feel misunderstood" -> "I feel frustrated".
• "I feel rejected" -> "I feel hurt".

There is a table with more details.

Universal needs

You need to distinguish the strategies and needs.

• I need you to copy me on every email -> I need some transparency about the process.
• I need support from YOU -> I need support.

Common universal needs that come up a lot in difficult conversations are these:

• Autonomy
• Collaboration
• Consistency
• Clarity
• Integrity
• Recognition
• Respect
• Reassurance
• Security
• Support
• Understanding

Request vs Demand

The request is an invitation for person to meet our universal needs.

• I request for you to be more respectful -> I request that you arrive on meetings on time.
• I request that you don't dismiss other people ideas -> I request that once the teammate tells the idea you ask 2-3 questions before sharing the conclusion.

Sometimes you make and request and person says no. You need to think if you can reframe it to include other people.
There is a great article about delivering the feedback.

Pay down emotional debt

Sometimes you feel emotional debt. You need to give it back.
There are different levels of communication:

1. Informal
2. Some emotions, personal communication
3. Personal, engaged, super important, deep-dive

You should practice having more level-3 communications.

Good questions:

• Goals
  • What are our goals for the company?
  • Are we using the right metrics?
  • Are we hiring our goals?
• Roles
  • Is it clear who is responsible for what?
• Performance
  • Is the workload distributed in the best way?
  • Do we all feel a high level of dedication and motivation?
  • What mechanisms are in place for providing feedback to each other?